Parent to Parent Support Project
Parenting By Example And Intent
Parents, siblings, peers and friends all influence a child’s social development. For young children, however, parents are the most important teachers.
Many children can learn by parent’s unconscious example. They watch what their parents do, listen to what they say—and imitate them. As a result, parents may wish to hone their good habits and change some others.
Some children, by the nature of their disability, however, cannot learn from subtle nuances of example. They need additional emphasis—intentional (and sometimes repetitive) teaching.
The Coordinator of PACER’s Parent to Parent Support Project, funded by The McKnight Foundation, offers ways parents can help young children’s social development by example and intent.
It’s a given, she adds, that while learning, a child will make mistakes. Example and intent is at work there, too.
Example: Treat the child the way you would want to be treated.
Intent: Tell the child what he or she could do differently and why.
1. Building Social Skills
By example:
Treat family members kindly, cooperate with neighbors, and talk to the person at the checkout counter. Practice politeness by holding open doors, helping someone with a heavy package, or in the way you answer the telephone.
With intent:
Explain that we live in the world with other people, and how we treat each other is important. Call attention to your actions and tell how behavior affects others. Practice social skills with your child through role-playing. Offer examples of being honest and playing the game fairly.
2. Showing respect for others
By example:
Interact positively with friends and acquaintances of other ages, abilities, cultures, economic groups, or religions. Obey the rules of the road when driving. Care for common or public areas by disposing of trash or recycling. Treat others’ personal property carefully.
With intent:
Tell your child why it is important it is to be considerate of others. Illustrate your points. Talk with your child about ways to show respect.
3. Making choices
By example:
Practice making decisions thoughtfully. Discuss upcoming purchases or other decisions with appropriate others.
With intent:
Talk with your child about consequences of choice. For example, why you would choose your red shirt (it’s warmer) over the green one—or, if you do a particular chore now, you can watch a favorite television show later. Encourage your child to make simple choices, such as whether to wear white or brown socks. Gradually expand the options.
4. Asking for what you need
By example:
Practice polite behavior. Many children pick up parents’ habit of using “please” and “thank you.”
With intent:
Tell your child that some ways of asking are more successful than others. Explain that most people find a polite request is more effective than a demand. Have your child practice positive ways of asking.
5. Facing challenges
By example:
Deal with difficulties, whether they be mending a relationship or fixing a drippy faucet. Most people eventually learn that procrastination can lead to crisis.
With intent:
Talk about how you learned to play ball, even when you didn’t catch the ball the first—or second—or third time you tried. Read stories to your child about others who experienced challenges. This may be a time you can discuss the child’s challenges because of a disability. Explain that people have successful lives because they focus on what they do well.
6. Learning
By example:
Show that you like to learn. Express curiosity about the strange plant that sprouted in your yard. Ask questions about the engine on your neighbor’s motorcycle. Keep reading materials in your home—and use them.
With intent:
Create opportunities for your child to learn through pictures, hands-on activities, reading, and listening. Explain that everyone has their own way of learning, and that your child does, too. Help your child understand the ways that learning is easier for him or her. Attending school events, library programs, neighborhood or community programs, and other activities offer opportunities for children to learn.
7. Demonstrating strengths
By example:
In addition to meeting responsibilities, do what you enjoy, whether it be keeping a journal or dancing to jazz music. Your child may hear others compliment you and see how good it makes your feel.
With intent:
Encourage your child to try varied activities to identify something that you would like to know m ore about or become more skillful at doing.
8. Encourage humor
By example:
Laugh. Research finds that the old adage “Laughter is the best medicine” is true—it makes you (and other) feel better. Children notice attitudes.
With intent:
Share something from your day that that you think was funny. Tell jokes. Laugh at yourself—everybody does something foolish once in awhile.
9. Sharing importance of relationships
By example:
Even at very young ages, children want friends. Seeing your behavior teaches your child how to interact with friends and relatives.
With intent:
Greet neighbors when you see them outside. Visit grandparents. Plan a potluck or other event with another family. Speak kindly about your friends and the important people in your life. Help your child identify playmates, as well as adults (including family members or others) your child can ask for help.
10. Giving back to the community
By example:
Volunteer for neighborhood or projects—even for an hour. Donate money or items to organizations that help others. Learn about your community’s needs and respond.
With intent:
Let your child help you decide what to donate to the local food shelf. Bring him to deliver a meal to a sick neighbor. Talk with your child about the pleasures of giving and sharing.
"Ten Aspects of Good Parenting"
1. Teach and model important life skills.
Show your children how to make good decisions, maintain a safe household, manage money, maintain friendships and take care of themselves and others. Teach your child how to be a self advocate, withstand peer pressure, and cope with adversity, change and loss.
2. Provide structure.
Set clear rules and limits for your children and follow through with consequences. Be consistent. Talk about family values and expectations of family members. Prioritize family time. Teach your child how to tolerate and adapt to different structures.
3. Have effective family communication.
Have weekly family meetings. Make time to talk with and listen to your child each day. Teach your child how to identify and articulate feelings and needs. Model and teach good problem-solving skills. Encourage honesty.
4. Help your child to develop strengths and interests.
Notice your child's strengths and interests, and talk to your child about them. Encourage your child to explore his or her interests. Help your child to use his or her strengths and interests to promote success in areas of life that are challenging.
5. Be involved in all areas of your child's life.
Know your child's friends and their families. Be involved in your child's education and school. Be involved in your child's community. Facilitate friendships and experiences for your child that can enrich your child's life.
6. Have family traditions.
Develop activities, sayings, celebrations, and rituals that are symbolic for your family. Maintain a record of your family traditions; use photo albums, keepsakes, videos, family journals, or share stories with family members.
7. Be an informed parent.
Learn all you can about parenting your child. Be aware of typical developmental milestones, health concerns, and common behavioral issues. Be familiar with your child's disability and its impact on your child as an individual. Seek out professionals that are knowledgeable about your child's disability and work well with your family. Connect to other parents, parent-friendly agencies, and resources within your community that can help support your efforts.
8. Take care of yourself.
It is easier to parent a child when you feel good. Try to maintain your health by eating right, exercising, and having enough sleep. Maintain connections and activities that replenish your energy and spirit. Have a comprehensive support system that is easily accessible to you when you need it. Recognize when you need breaks and develop a plan to ensure you get them.
9. Give your children everything they need and almost nothing that they want.
Help your child to understand the difference between needs and wants. This is a difficult concept to grasp in our society of immediate gratification. Teach your child how to control impulses and how to cope with societal pressures. Limit your use of material items for rewards. Help your child internalize the good feeling of doing the right thing versus doing it because they will receive a reward.
10. Have fun with your children.
Try to take some time each day to enjoy your child. There is nothing more entertaining than watching children experience life. Think of their smile, the way they look at you, and their ever-evolving interpretations of the world around them. Your child gives essential meaning to every aspect of your life. Sometimes, given the pressures of daily life, we forget just how precious our child is.
PACER's site offers many PDF files for download, which require 
