Parent to Parent Support Project
Building Self-Esteem Contributes to Your Child's Security
Parents want their children to have happy, secure childhoods, whether they have disabilities or not. The not-so-secret ingredient? Many childrearing experts say it’s self-esteem.
Self-esteem is more than just feeling good about oneself, explains Michelle Ulfers of PACER’s Parent to Parent Support Project, funded by The McKnight Foundation. It includes confidence and self-respect, which influence healthy lifestyle choices. Children need to feel they are capable of handling situations in their lives and making good decisions.
“As important as it is, building a child’s positive self-esteem doesn’t need to be time-consuming, but parents need to be intentional,” continues Ulfers. “It happens over a period of time. The most effective way to encourage it is through small day-to-day habits.”
Ulfers says that it’s important for parents to remember that techniques for building their children’s self-esteem are not “one size fits all.”
Each child is unique, each parent-child relationship is unique, and what works in one family’s situation may not work in another family’s life.
“What is universal is a child’s need for praise and encouragement and to feel capable,” adds Julie Hertzog, PACER staff member and parent of three, including an 11-year-old son with Down syndrome. “Children feel valued when their talents are recognized.”
Below are ways parents can build their child’s self-esteem day-to-day. Take a look and see what might work for you.
Here are tips to encourage your child's self-esteem in ways that may influence healthy lifestyles
-
Spend quality and quanitity of time with each child
Sometimes a child needs just a quick hug. At other times, he or she may need your continuing presence. Individual attention to your child says that he or she is important to you. Celebrate his or her successes—big and small. It fosters self-esteem. -
Build trusting relationships
As relationships build over time, a child has first-hand experience in what trust can feel like. Building trusting relationships in the community with extended family, friends, neighbors, teachers, and others can foster a trusting community for your child.
Teach your child how to be a good friend. Talk about your good friends and the qualities you find in each. Discuss with your child what he or she may want in a friend. It may be necessary to talk about honesty, and being helpful and dependable. Patience and repetition are key, say parents and professionals. -
Keep family life consistent
Developing routine in bedtime, meals, bath time, and quiet time, as well as establishing other family rituals and traditions, are examples of how to provide consistency in family life. Predictable consequences for both good and bad behavior help children learn boundaries. Consistency leads to feeling stable and safe, which fosters self-esteem. -
Be involved in your child's education
Knowledge gives your child a sense of control and builds self-esteem. Something as simple as routinely checking the papers your child brings from school or chatting about the school day can show that your child’s education is important to you. If your child has an Individualized Education Program (IEP), share the goals with him or her. If appropriate, involve your child in the IEP meeting. Acknowledge your child’s efforts if she or he is working hard, and celebrate successes. -
Have fun
Enjoyable activities can relax your child and promote a feeling of well-being. Play a board game, walk the family pet, or ask your child to tell you about something that made him or her smile today. Have at least one “smiling moment” with your child each day. -
Communicate respectfully
Encourage your child to share thoughts and feelings with you. Take time to listen, because it teaches a child that his or her ideas are important. If your child has difficulty speaking, use patience in hearing him or her out. If needed, help your child find assistive technology or other ways to express needs or ideas.
Respectful communication also means listening to all sides of a story and using respectful language at home and in the community. -
Help your child solve problems, resolve conflict
Problems and conflict are inevitable and complex. As they arise, talk with your child about the circumstances and his or her feelings. Explain how others may have a different view of the situation. Praise your child when he or she makes a thoughtful decision, or explore what she or he might do differently in a similar situation. -
Discipline positively
Everyone makes mistakes. Make sure you have stated the expectations clearly and the child knows the consequences. Identify the issue or behavior as the problem—not the person. Be sure you reward the behavior you want. The ultimate goal of discipline is to teach a child self-discipline and independence, as well as safety. Keep in mind that a child with some disabilities may need more repetition and different learning strategies than a typically developing child. -
Teach responsibility
Give your child opportunities to feel pride in doing things for others. Feeling pride in making a contribution to the family or community is important. Some children can set a table or care for a pet. Others may help by mowing a neighbor’s grass or carrying an elderly person’s groceries from car to house. -
Address life situations honestly
Teach your child that life does not always happen as planned. Ask each family member to share a positive event, as well as one that went wrong. Share with your child unexpected happenings in your life, both positive and negative, and how you handled the situations. Such open discussions encourage your children—and you—to consider strengths and coping tools, as well as what brings pride and pleasure to each person in your family.
PACER's site offers many PDF files for download, which require 
