What Parents Should Know About Bullying

If your child is experiencing bullying…

When you discover your child is being bullied, you may feel a variety of emotions, from anger to fear to sadness. These reactions and emotional responses are natural for parents who want their child to feel valued, protected, and loved. To become an effective advocate for your child, it is important to acknowledge your emotions and then focus on developing an action plan to help your child.

1. Talk with your child.

When you first talk with your child about bullying, be prepared to listen without judgment, and provide a safe and supportive place where your child can work out his or her feelings. Children may not be ready to open up right away as they, too, are dealing with the emotional effects of bullying and may be feeling insecure, frightened, vulnerable, angry, or sad. When your child begins to tell their story, just listen and avoid making judgmental comments. It’s important to learn as much as possible about the situation, such as how long the behavior has been happening, who has been involved, and what steps have been taken. Encourage your child to talk, and let them know they are not alone and you are there to help.

Make sure your child knows:

1. It is NOT their fault. They are not to blame.
2. They are NOT alone. You are here to help.
3. It is the adults’ responsibility make the bullying stop.
4. Bullying is never okay and they have the right to be safe.
5. No one deserves to be bullied.
6. They deserve to be treated with respect.
7. They have the right to feel safe at school.

Other Resources

• How to Tell an Adult When youth see bullying or are being bullied, they are often given the advice, “Tell an adult.” That is great advice, but how do kids do that? You can help them!
• Help Your Child Recognize the Signs of Bullying This resource helps parents prepare themselves to talk with their child about bullying and includes tips on how to respond to their child’s questions and emotions.
• Safety in the Online Community: A conversation with your 13-year-old about Facebook and Instagram This guide helps parents talk with their teens about using the popular social networking sites Facebook and Instagram. It covers setting up a new account, safety tips, and frequently asked questions. This guide is accompanied by discussion points for talking with your child and steps for responding to harassing content.
• Reasons Teens Don’t Tell This page provides reasons why teens may not tell a parent or an adult about a bullying situation.
• Advice Gone Wrong When talking about bullying, it’s important for parents to give good advice and provide solutions that work. This page shares examples of advice that adults should avoid giving to teens.
• Speaking Up About Being Bullied Isn’t “Tattling — and Our Kids Need to Know the Difference Younger children often don’t recognize bullying behaviors, and may be afraid they’ll be called a tattletale, or worse, if they tell an adult. It’s especially important to talk openly with your young child about bullying behavior, and to explain the difference between tattling and telling.

5 Steps For Talking About Bullying With Your Child | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 3, Ep. 14

2. Support and empower your child.

After hearing your child’s story, empower them to create an action plan to help stop the bullying. Talk with your child about ways you can support them as well as intervention strategies they can use, such as working with the school or advocating on their own. Creating a plan that works with your child’s strengths and abilities can help build self-confidence and resilience. Make sure to share these agreed-upon strategies with those involved in your child’s life, such as teachers, coaches, and other adults who interact with your child on a daily basis.

Reactions to Avoid

1. Telling your child to stand up to the bully. This can imply that it is your child’s responsibility to handle the situation. While there is a ring of truth to this statement (being assertive is often a good response) sending your child back into the situation without further information will probably cause more harm. A more effective response is to brainstorm options with your child about what you can do as a team to respond to the situation.
2. Telling your child to ignore the bully. This is easier said than done. Your child has probably tried ignoring the situation, which is a typical response for children. If that method had been effective, however, there wouldn’t be a need for the child to seek your help. It is difficult to ignore someone who is sitting behind you on the bus or next to you in class. In addition, if the student who is bullying realizes that their target is purposefully “ignoring” them, it can actually ignite further bullying, since that response provides the sense of power and control the student seeks.
3. Taking matters into your own hands. A normal gut response from parents is to try to fix the situation and remove their child from harm. For example, a parent might call the parents of the student who is bullying, or directly confront the bully. Remember, when children tell a parent about bullying, they are looking for the parent to guide them to a solution that makes them feel empowered. Involve them in the process of determining next steps. Typically, calling the other parent or directly confronting the bullying student is ineffective.

Other resources:

• Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Children Cyberbullying is a frightening experience for children and their parents. Learn how to take concrete steps to protect your child online.

Reasons Students Don't Tell an Adult | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 3, Ep. 12

3. Learn your rights.

Check your state’s legislation on bullying. Each state has different laws and policies on bullying, along with requirements on how schools should respond. Visit StopBullying.gov to find out the laws your state has put in place. Also, check your state’s Department of Education website for a state Safe Schools Office, which can be a great local resource to learn more about your state and school’s policy. You may also want to look up your child’s school’s policy on bullying.

4. Think through who else should be involved.

In addition to being supportive and empowering your child to write down a plan, it can be very helpful to document the steps that you plan to take or have already implemented. Written records provide a history of incidences and responses, which can be very helpful when addressing the issue with school administrators or law enforcement. You should also create a strategy for how to involve others that can help your child. This might include determining who you will contact at school, what you plan to ask them, and how you will be involved. Other options include contacting a school counselor or other health professionals for advice. If the situation doesn’t change, your plan might include steps to contact local law enforcement or legal counsel.

Other resources:

• Record Keeping and Bullying When a child is a target of bullying, parents need to document the events and develop a record (or history) of what is happening to their child. This record is useful when talking with school educators, law enforcement personnel, or other individuals who may need to assist parents in intervening against bullying. Data is important. Remember – if it is not in writing, it does not exist.

5. Get involved in the community.

Bullying touches many lives and it might be happening to others in your child’s school or community. You can help by raising awareness through community events, attending workshops or trainings in your community, or sharing information with others.

When Your Child Experiences Bullying: Part 1 | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 2, Episode 14

The first of two videos on what to do if your child experiences bullying. When you discover that your child is being bullied, there are two equally important and parallel steps: (1) supporting your child and (2) working with the school. In this video, we are sharing ideas to be supportive and develop an action plan with your child.

When Your Child Experiences Bullying: Part 2 | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 2, Episode 15

This week on PACERTalks About Bullying, we are thrilled to be releasing part two on what to do if your child experiences bullying. Last week, in part one, we shared steps on how to support your child. Today, we are sharing tips for working with the school to help ensure your child is safe and supported. Stay tuned next week for a new episode!

If your child with disabilities is experiencing bullying…

1. Prevalence

Studies have found that children with disabilities are two to three times more likely to be bullied than their nondisabled peers. Parents, educators, and other adults are the most important advocate that a student with disabilities can have and they play an important role in these bullying situations.

Students with Disabilities and Bullying: Top five things for parents, educators and students to know This handout provides an overview of important facts about students with disabilities and bullying for parents, educators, and students.

2. Laws and Policy

As a parent of a student with disabilities, it’s important to know about the federal laws and resources specifically designed for your child’s situation. Parents have legal rights when their child with a disability is the target of bullying or harassment related to their disability. According to a 2000 Dear Colleague Letter from the Office of Civil Rights, “States and school districts also have a responsibility…to ensure that a free appropriate public education (FAPE) is made available to eligible students with disabilities. Disability harassment may result in a denial of FAPE under these statutes.” Under these federal laws, schools are required to respond to harassment or bullying of a student with a disability. The school must provide immediate and appropriate action to investigate, communicate with targeted students regarding steps to end harassment, eliminate any hostile environment, and prevent harassment from recurring. If the school is not taking necessary action, parents may consider filing a formal grievance with the Office of Civil Rights.

Learn more about laws and policy > > >

3. Bullying Prevention for Children with Disabilities: Using the IEP, 504 Plan, or Creating Your Own Plan

When any child is bullied, it is important to take action to get the bullying to stop as soon as possible and prevent it from happening again. Using tools like an IEP (Individual Education Program) or 504 Plan can help design strategies for bullying prevention that take into consideration the child’s disability, their social skills, the environment around them, and more. When a child does not have an IEP or 504 Plan, families can still help by constructing a plan together with a team of caring adults at school to work on similar bullying prevention goals and strategies. Enlisting adults like teachers, counselors, and other staff to participate in generating ideas and decision-making for bullying intervention or prevention can create a safety net for children — with disabilities or without — that allows them to receive their education in a healthier environment.

Learn more about creating a bullying prevention plan for children with disabilities > > >

4. More Ideas

Peer Advocacy This is a program designed to train students to speak out on behalf of other students with intellectual or developmental disabilities. It is a unique approach that empowers students to protect those targeted by bullying and to provide social inclusion opportunities.

Helpful Resources for Students with Disabilities Books, videos, and stories are powerful ways to share messages of inclusion, acceptance, and understanding. We’ve compiled a variety of resources that you can share with your classroom and follow up with thoughtful group discussion.

PACER’s Peer Advocacy Project | PACERTalks About Bullying, Episode 23

Get a behind the scenes look at the inspiration for the peer advocacy project, which connects students with and without disabilities.

If your child shows bullying behavior…

1. Talk with your child.

Many parents are surprised to learn that their child is showing bullying behavior. Often, they have no idea that their child is exhibiting these behaviors. If you find out your child is bullying, it’s important to know that bullying is a behavior and that behavior can be changed. Students bully for many reasons, including peer pressure or being bullied themselves. Your child may not realize how much they are harming someone, what impact their actions are having on another child, or they may not label their behavior as bullying.

The first step is to talk with your child about why they are bullying. This conversation should allow your child to explore how they may be feeling, to speak up if they are being bullied by someone else, and to talk about other factors that may be leading to this behavior.

What If Your Child IS the Bully? Could your child be bullying others? Would you know? Once you found out, would you know what to do? Here is some information that can help.

2. Try to understand your child’s feelings and show that you hear what they are telling you.

Help your child understand how others feel when they are bullied and let them know that everyone’s feelings matter. Role playing can be helpful to teach your child different ways of handling situations, along with helping them understand how their behavior is impacting someone else.

What Do You Do if Your Child Bullies? Seeing your child as the victim of bullying behavior can be heartbreaking. But so can witnessing your child bullying another. So what do you do?

What are strategies to redirect bullying behavior. With adult guidance, redirecting bullying behavior toward an understanding of differences, as well as the practices of kindness and inclusion, are good strategies for reshaping a child’s behavior.

3. Be realistic. It takes time to change behavior.

Be patient with your child as they learn new ways of handling feelings and conflict. Provide praise and recognition when your child handles conflict well or finds a positive way to deal with their feelings. This type of positive reinforcement goes a long way!

More resources

Parents of Elementary School Students
Visit PACER’s Kids Against Bullying website with your child and check out the following page:

• Students Who Bully - What Can They Do?This resource helps children understand the reasons why bullying may occur and encourages them to think about new ways to respond.

Parents of Middle and High School Students
If your teen is demonstrating bullying behavior, encourage them to visit PACER’s Teens Against Bullying and check out the page Do you bully.

Ask Us: What Motivates Someone to Bully? | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 2, Episode 20

A question from Chloe, a high school student, who wants to know what motivates students to bully.

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What You Can Do If Your Child is Showing Bullying Behavior | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 3, Ep. 11

If Your Child Witnesses Bullying Behavior…

1. Let your child know how powerful they are.

Nearly 60 percent of bullying situations end when a peer intervenes, giving students an important role in bullying prevention. However, many students are unsure how to take the first step. As a parent, it’s important to have the discussion with kids and teens about the power they have to help others.

2. Tell them not to join in.

The simplest action parents can guide their children to take is not to join in the bullying. This sends the message that they don’t agree with what’s happening and takes attention away from the person bullying. Your child can also help by telling an adult about the bullying, since the student who is being bullied might not be able to do it themselves. When discussing this action with your child, it is important to emphasize the difference between telling and tattling. Telling is done to protect yourself or another student from getting hurt, whereas tattling is done to purposely get someone in trouble.

3. Encourage them to show support for the bullied student.

Finally, one of the most effective steps you can encourage your child to take is to show support for the student being bullied. Ask your child how they would feel if they were being bullied, and how they would want someone to support them. They can show support by talking to the student being bullied, telling them that what happened wasn’t okay, or inviting the student to join them in an activity. There are many effective options, so encourage your child to do what feels right for them.

What else can your child do to support a target of bullying?

• Spend time with the students who are bullied.
• Try to get students who are bullied away from the situation.
• Listen to the students who are bullied and let them talk about it.
• Tell the student that no one deserves to be bullied.
• If the child feels comfortable, tell a trusted adult.
• Never encourage or contribute to the bullying.

For more information on the power of bystanders and more ideas for how to be supportive, view the handout, What Youth Can Do to Help Peers Who Are Experiencing Bullying.

More resources

Parents of Elementary School Students
Visit PACER’s Kids Against Bullying website with your child and check out the following pages:

• If You See Bullying – What Can You Do? There are lots of things your child can do to help when they see someone being bullied. This resource covers a variety of actions they can take.
• How You Can Help – Videos These videos show your child how they can prevent bullying and support those who are being bullied.

Parents of Middle and High School Students
If your teen witnesses bullying, encourage them to visit PACER’s Teens Against Bullying website and check out the following pages:

• Student-Created Videos These videos help teens understand what bullying can look like and what they can do to prevent it.
• What Youth Can Do to Help Peers Who Are Experiencing Bullying The more teens know about bullying, the greater their ability to prevent it. This PDF provides additional insight to help empower teens on how they can take action.
• Cyberbullying This page gives tips on how teens can protect themselves from cyberbullying, prevent themselves from bullying others, and what to do if they see cyberbullying happen.

What’s Inclusion and Why Does It Matter? | PACERTalks About Bullying, Episode 26

Learn how inclusion is defined and ways that we can all demonstrate it in our school and community.

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Reasons Students Might Not Report Bullying - Student Response | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 3, Ep. 13

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Ways to Support a Peer - 60 Second Response | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 3, Ep. 15

Developing a Student Action Plan

As a parent looking for solutions, it’s important not only to be informed, but also to have a plan. Whether your child is being bullied, witnessing bullying, or bullying others, you can help them create a plan to change their situation.

PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center offers the Student Action Plan Against Bullying + Guide for Using the Plan a free, downloadable plan and guide that can be used to help your child think through their situation, to talk through how they think it could be different, and to identify the steps needed to make it happen.

Examples of Self Advocacy | PACERTalks About Bullying, Episode 25

In this video, Jody, director of PACER’s Parent Training and Information Center, shares a creative, real-life example to help visualize what self-advocacy using the “Student Action Plan” can look like in action.

Elementary School
These visually friendly, age-appropriate guides provide helpful information on bullying to early learners:

• Elementary School Students - Bullying 101: The Club Crew’s Guide to Bullying Prevention This guide provides helpful information to use when talking with children about what bullying is and isn’t, the roles of students, and tips on what students can do to address bullying situations.
• Elementary School Student - If You See BullyingA guide for parents to use when talking with their child about what to do if they witness bullying.
• Elementary School Students - If You Are a Target (Of Bullying) A guide for parents to use when talking with their child about what to do if they are being bullied.
• Elementary School Students - If You Are Bullying A guide for parents to use when talking with their child about what to do if they exhibiting bullying behavior.

Middle and High School
Are You Being Bullied? Quiz Bullying can happen to anyone and it’s not always easy to recognize. This quiz helps teens recognize what bullying is and if it might be happening to them.

Middle and High School Students – Bullying 101: Guide for Middle and High School Students A visual, age-appropriate 14-page guide with easy-to-understand information. The guide provides the basics for talking with teens about what bullying is and isn’t, the roles of those involved, and tips on what teens can do to address bullying situations.

Check Your Knowledge

1. True or False: If your child is being bullied, you should avoid directly confronting the student bullying your child or their parents.

   Check Answer  

   True. A normal gut response from parents is to try to fix the situation and remove their child from harm. For example, a parent might call the parents of the student who is bullying, or directly confront the child who is bullying. Remember, when children tell a parent about bullying, they are looking for the parent to guide them to a solution that makes them feel empowered. Involve them in the process of determining next steps. Calling the other parent or directly confronting the bullying student has been shown to be ineffective.

2. True or False: Students with disabilities are less likely to be bullied than their nondisabled peers.

   Check Answer  

   False. Studies have found that children with disabilities are two to three times more likely to be bullied than their nondisabled peers. Parents, educators, and other adults are the most important advocate that a student with disabilities can have and they play an important role in these bullying situations.

3. True or False: Children who bully will always bully.

   Check Answer  

   False. If you find out your child is bullying, it’s important to remember that bullying is behavior and that behavior can be changed. Students bully for many reasons, including peer pressure or being bullied themselves. Your child may not realize how much they are harming someone, what impact their actions are having on another child, or they may not label their behavior as bullying.

4. True or False: It’s doesn’t make a difference whether or not the students who witness bullying join in.

   Check Answer  

   False. The simplest action parents can guide their children to take is not to join in the bullying. This sends the message that they don’t agree with what’s happening and takes attention away from the person bullying.

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